What to do with a Tombstone
by Atuliel
Summary: AU. Set in Season 7. Clark puzzles over what to do with Lana's coffin and tombstone, and Lois lends a hand.


**Categories:** Parody, Humor, Friendship

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. All belongs to Smallville creators and writers.

* * *

Clark stood before Lana's tombstone, hands clasped before him. He read the engraving for what felt like the hundredth time, even though he had—by now—memorized what it said. He heaved a sigh when he felt someone place a punch to his shoulder.

"Hey, there, Smallville," Lois greeted him, as she stepped to his side. "Chloe said you might be here."

"Yeah," he mumbled. "I was just, um…." He hesitated, not quite sure if he wanted to tell her. "Uh, anyway, did you need something?"

Lois considered him closely. "You know, you don't _have_ to hang around her coffin now that she's…you know, undead."

He shrugged. "Yeah, I know, but…I just don't know what to do with it now. She's alive and…well, I was just considering the possibilities."

"Ah." She stared down at the dirt for a moment.

"It feels wrong to destroy it. I mean…to me, it's been where Lana is for the past three months," he added, not sure why he was still talking. "It'd be like burning my father's coffin. It just wouldn't be right."

"Gee, Clark, I didn't know you thought of Lana as a male role model," Lois cut in, shooting him a grin.

"What? No. I—Lois, that's not what I meant." He rolled his eyes. "I just don't know what to do with this. It's really bothering me."

She tapped her finger on her chin, staying quiet for a blissful few moments before grabbing his jacket sleeve.

"I've got an idea."

* * *

Lana hurried down the stairs to answer the relentless knocking. Clark had left early that morning after his chores and Kara was off doing God-knew-what, so Lana had been taking a few hours for a delightfully peaceful nap when it had been rudely interrupted by the sound of someone pounding on the door.

"Open up, Lana!" someone shouted from outside.

"This is _really_ heavy," someone else added. "So if you don't get your skinny butt to the door in two seconds, I swear to all that is holy, you'll never see your pink teddy bear again!"

Lana muttered under her breath before swinging the door open with an irritated, "What?!"

She was surprised to see Clark in the doorway, grinning when he saw her. She was even more surprised to see him holding a long box behind him, and even further when Lois Lane's head popped up at the end.

"Oh, good. Thanks, Lana," Clark said politely.

"Can we stop smelling the roses, Smallville, and get a move on?" Lois shouted up to him.

Clark rolled his eyes, but if she wasn't mistaken, Lana thought she saw the corner of his mouth quirk even as he displayed his annoyance with the brunette. Lana slipped out of the way as they filed inside the house with the long box, heading straight for the living room.

"It's about time," Lois commented as she passed by. "I was about ready to use this thing to break down the door."

"I don't think I have insurance on that door," Clark replied as they arrived in the center of the living room.

"Really? I'd have thought you'd get insurance on everything from the couch—" she grunted as they lowered the box to the floor "—to Ms. Lana Lang herself after all the accidents that seem to happen around this place." She stood and brushed her hands off. "Or is it still Luthor?"

Lana stiffened at the mention of her ex-husband's name and fought to keep the cold scowl from springing onto her face. Lois didn't miss a thing, though, and feigned fear.

"Whoa, guess it's Lang," she said, flashing Clark a wink.

He smiled and Lana cleared her throat, gesturing to the box.

"What is this?" she asked, glancing between them.

"Your coffin!" Lois said brightly.

"The tombstone is in the back of the truck," Clark added, looking pleased with these developments.

Lana gaped. "What? Why did you bring it here? I don't need a coffin!"

"You _will_," Lois replied, nodding sagely.

"What?!" Had Lois just threatened to kill her?

Clark, who had sidled closer to his friend, tapped her shoulder and shook his head slowly when she looked up at him. Lois glanced at Lana, then made a small "oh!" before going on.

"Well, not _yet_, obviously. But you're going to die _someday_," she explained. "And we figured, hey, what with the cost of funerals already being so much, we're just saving you, and your kids, the trouble of buying a brand new coffin. I mean, it's not like you're going to grow any time soon, and, besides, the cost of coffins is only going to go up!"

"And tombstones," Clark whispered in her ear.

"And tombstones! Tombstones are _very_ expensive," Lois added sagely, nodding. "They'll have to scratch off the date and put on a new one, but still! You are saving some serious money this way."

"Um…thanks?" Lana managed, unsure of what to make of all this.

Lois and Clark were trying to save her money on her next funeral? What?

"You're welcome!" Lois replied, grinning. "Now, come on, Smallville."

She grabbed his shirt collar and yanked him toward the door. Lana expected him to stand still and watch as Lois fruitlessly pulled, but instead he faked a stumble and allowed her to drag him away.

"Wait!" Lana called, unable to stop herself. "What am I supposed to do with it now?"

Lois paused, then smacked Clark's chest. "You've got a storm shelter, don't you, Smallville?" Before he could answer, she turned back to Lana and continued, "Just stick it in there for now. It'll be good for storage."

Lana threw up her hands helplessly as Lois once again dragged Clark away, this time making it out the door and out to the truck.

* * *

Once they had made it safely to the truck and down the road, Lois grinned over at her flannel-clad boy scout. She was proud Clark had successfully helped her in pulling it off without even breaking a sweat. And Lana's face had been absolutely priceless.

"So…how long do you think it'll take her to realize it's cardboard?"

They burst into laughter.


End file.
